Blackest of blue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe


Tonight was, shall we say, exhausting. I've experienced a feeling that I hoped to never ever feel again, and I hope [not that it will do much] never will again. The fear your experience as your world crashes around you. Like a castle of sand, as meticulous the details were to create, and no matter how sturdy you packed each grain into a precise shape, your would can disappear with the first wave. However tall you pile the bricks, they can always tumble down. 

Without a single doubt, my family is the family that earns it. Blood has nothing to do with what family means to me. The feeling of completely being myself, that it's alright to be myself, in their company- that is my family, be they blood related or not. I can say that 98% of my family consists of my closest and dearest friend. And as an extreamly introverted person, losing even a single member is unbearable. Disgustingly pathetic, I desperatly wish to never find myself truly alone. We all want someone to tell us that we're not alone, that they consider us a close friend, that we are wanted, needed, loved. That as much as we push others away, however much we struggle and make mistakes, they still hold onto us, knowing all the while that we didn't mean it. That they understand we want them to keep holding on their hardest, because that is what we truly want. If we are unable to communicate those feelings of fear of being alone, we lead ourselves to destruction. Choking the people we care most about with the bond between us. However, a bond between people is not something to be tied. It's supposed to link people, and not confine them. It should make a connection, not trap them in a cage. 


I place my being into my friend's hands, a heavy burden to bear and I apologize to them for that. My family being leached upon by me, like a parasite. And yet still, they are with me now. I want to give as much as you guys have given me. To need and be needed. Independent as I may seem on the outside, as intimidating as I'm told I am- on the inside I'm as scared as a mouse. Solitude is scary, but to be by yourself and to be alone are not the same thing. That is what I have learned tonight. That when one wall crashes down, your friends will help you collect the scattered pieces and build it right back up. 


So to all of my friends/family, I know I can be a real handful, and I know that I will inevitably make you want to pull and rip out your hair. But for those of you who will still stand by me and pull me up from the sand that I sink in, thank you. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you for listening to me bitch and moan, cry and sob, giggle and laugh. Thank you. 

Ewya Ngahu