My mother is a hypocritical, unknowing, stupid, harping bitch.
Eywa Ngahu
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
So.
I'm trying really hard, REALLY hard to be happy for you. From the bottom of my heart. Because you're such a sweet person, you're truly nice, extreamly pretty, and all around awesome. But you've done what I couldn't do- you have the man I've pinned after for years. I wish you were just a bit mean and terrible so I could hate you.
Eywa Ngahu
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Blackest of blue
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Tonight was, shall we say, exhausting. I've experienced a feeling that I hoped to never ever feel again, and I hope [not that it will do much] never will again. The fear your experience as your world crashes around you. Like a castle of sand, as meticulous the details were to create, and no matter how sturdy you packed each grain into a precise shape, your would can disappear with the first wave. However tall you pile the bricks, they can always tumble down.
Without a single doubt, my family is the family that earns it. Blood has nothing to do with what family means to me. The feeling of completely being myself, that it's alright to be myself, in their company- that is my family, be they blood related or not. I can say that 98% of my family consists of my closest and dearest friend. And as an extreamly introverted person, losing even a single member is unbearable. Disgustingly pathetic, I desperatly wish to never find myself truly alone. We all want someone to tell us that we're not alone, that they consider us a close friend, that we are wanted, needed, loved. That as much as we push others away, however much we struggle and make mistakes, they still hold onto us, knowing all the while that we didn't mean it. That they understand we want them to keep holding on their hardest, because that is what we truly want. If we are unable to communicate those feelings of fear of being alone, we lead ourselves to destruction. Choking the people we care most about with the bond between us. However, a bond between people is not something to be tied. It's supposed to link people, and not confine them. It should make a connection, not trap them in a cage.
I place my being into my friend's hands, a heavy burden to bear and I apologize to them for that. My family being leached upon by me, like a parasite. And yet still, they are with me now. I want to give as much as you guys have given me. To need and be needed. Independent as I may seem on the outside, as intimidating as I'm told I am- on the inside I'm as scared as a mouse. Solitude is scary, but to be by yourself and to be alone are not the same thing. That is what I have learned tonight. That when one wall crashes down, your friends will help you collect the scattered pieces and build it right back up.
So to all of my friends/family, I know I can be a real handful, and I know that I will inevitably make you want to pull and rip out your hair. But for those of you who will still stand by me and pull me up from the sand that I sink in, thank you. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you for listening to me bitch and moan, cry and sob, giggle and laugh. Thank you.
Ewya Ngahu
— Marilyn Monroe
Tonight was, shall we say, exhausting. I've experienced a feeling that I hoped to never ever feel again, and I hope [not that it will do much] never will again. The fear your experience as your world crashes around you. Like a castle of sand, as meticulous the details were to create, and no matter how sturdy you packed each grain into a precise shape, your would can disappear with the first wave. However tall you pile the bricks, they can always tumble down.
Without a single doubt, my family is the family that earns it. Blood has nothing to do with what family means to me. The feeling of completely being myself, that it's alright to be myself, in their company- that is my family, be they blood related or not. I can say that 98% of my family consists of my closest and dearest friend. And as an extreamly introverted person, losing even a single member is unbearable. Disgustingly pathetic, I desperatly wish to never find myself truly alone. We all want someone to tell us that we're not alone, that they consider us a close friend, that we are wanted, needed, loved. That as much as we push others away, however much we struggle and make mistakes, they still hold onto us, knowing all the while that we didn't mean it. That they understand we want them to keep holding on their hardest, because that is what we truly want. If we are unable to communicate those feelings of fear of being alone, we lead ourselves to destruction. Choking the people we care most about with the bond between us. However, a bond between people is not something to be tied. It's supposed to link people, and not confine them. It should make a connection, not trap them in a cage.
I place my being into my friend's hands, a heavy burden to bear and I apologize to them for that. My family being leached upon by me, like a parasite. And yet still, they are with me now. I want to give as much as you guys have given me. To need and be needed. Independent as I may seem on the outside, as intimidating as I'm told I am- on the inside I'm as scared as a mouse. Solitude is scary, but to be by yourself and to be alone are not the same thing. That is what I have learned tonight. That when one wall crashes down, your friends will help you collect the scattered pieces and build it right back up.
So to all of my friends/family, I know I can be a real handful, and I know that I will inevitably make you want to pull and rip out your hair. But for those of you who will still stand by me and pull me up from the sand that I sink in, thank you. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you for listening to me bitch and moan, cry and sob, giggle and laugh. Thank you.
Ewya Ngahu
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Back to the Future, part III
On this monumental day, my last "first" semester of high school is finally complete. The only thing I have left to finish are my online classes, which I truly do have to get one. [I have approximatively three weeks for two classes, oh my it's making me rather anxious].
In other news, only two weeks left for till I'm legally an adult! How crazy is that? Think of all the thing I can do...like...like...well not much really. I suppose I could do to a dance club, now won't that be fun! Speaking of dancing, just yesterday I was practicing belly dancing, and boy, have i got some work to do. It's gotten rather pathic, I can't even do the splits anymore. Just think of such a thing!
The holidays are coming closer and closer, is everyone prepared? All the frantic last minute Christmas shopping, it's now who you can tell who your true friends are and who your friends who are just using you appear, I've already opened my eyes to one of them (although I can't really say that it's only now that I've realizing). Besides that point, I truly love the Christmas season. The music, the sights, the holiday cheer- the joy that everyone feels as they walk around. <3 And besides, who doesn't love the Holiday Mountain at the Clubhouse?
Ewya Ngahu
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Bug Eyed
So today I received my order of GEO circle lens after three weeks of waiting! After wearing glasses for three weeks, I'm sick and tired of being a four eyes nerd and ready to get back to my lovely contacts. After opening them [a feat harder then most people would expect] and applied then- a surprise! These contacts are NOT comfortable. I don't know if it's just me, just they kept slipping and sliding around in my eyes EVERY TIME I BLINKED. I much much prefer my regular old Acuvue Oasis- too bad I ran out about three weeks ago. Anyways, the moral of this story is, if you try something new, only purchase ONE before you spend loads of money. I could have bought an entire pack of my regular contacts and still have some on hand for the price of these. Oh well, lesson learned, hopefully these get easier to use as time goes on, for I don't think I'll be able to get my hands on some normal contacts anytime soon.
Ewya Ngahu
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Requiem
"Come Josephine in my flying machine. Going up she goes, up she goes."
In t-minus 14 hours, my last winter formal will be upon me. What have I prepared for? Nothing. No dress, no ticket, nothing. I suppose I should be feeling a tiny bit of panic, but the truth is, I'm completly calm. So calm as to be writing a blog at this very moment instead of sleeping like a normal person might do. But, as you can see, I'm not exactly what you would call normal.
In more artistic news, I've been working on my henna album recently and fairly pleased with the progress I've had. Recently, I learned a new fading technique to create more intricate designs and am quite happy with the results. I'm currently on the hunt for more people willing to be my henna models, so if you're interested, you know where to find me.
I adore artistic nude photography. Is that strange?
One of my many photoshoot /dreams/ is to do a couture naked shoot. I think that there's something about being completely bare that is just so pure, I'd love the chance for that to be captured on film. Although, I feel that I should work out a bit more before I even think of attempting something like that o.o
In t-minus 14 hours, my last winter formal will be upon me. What have I prepared for? Nothing. No dress, no ticket, nothing. I suppose I should be feeling a tiny bit of panic, but the truth is, I'm completly calm. So calm as to be writing a blog at this very moment instead of sleeping like a normal person might do. But, as you can see, I'm not exactly what you would call normal.
In more artistic news, I've been working on my henna album recently and fairly pleased with the progress I've had. Recently, I learned a new fading technique to create more intricate designs and am quite happy with the results. I'm currently on the hunt for more people willing to be my henna models, so if you're interested, you know where to find me.
I adore artistic nude photography. Is that strange?
One of my many photoshoot /dreams/ is to do a couture naked shoot. I think that there's something about being completely bare that is just so pure, I'd love the chance for that to be captured on film. Although, I feel that I should work out a bit more before I even think of attempting something like that o.o
[ps I wish this photo wasn't turned 90 degrees]
Ewya ngahu
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Beginning.
So here I am, finally giving into one of the recent crazes and creating a blog. Now while I was considering for a while creating separate blogs for different areas and aspects of my life, I figure- what the hell, no one is going to read this but my friends anyways. What you can expect in this little peak into my life? Absolute Insanity. And I hope you'll enjoy every step of the way.
Eywa ngahu
Eywa ngahu
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)